I suck at this x_____x
I don't think I can take more of this.
I watch as he chats another girl, flashing that boyish smile that charms anybody. And I feel that telltale heavy sensation in the pit of my stomach.
With much effort, I turn around, and hurriedly walk away, the image burnt brightly in my mind.
No more. Just no more.
"Do you like him?" was the question a friend threw at me that day I first ranted about him.
It took all words right out of my mouth. For someone whose studies and living revolved around them, it was strange to be left speechless. I stared for a few seconds at my friend, then forcefully spoke, "no."
She snorted in derision, popping a French fry in her mouth. "Sure? Maybe you should think about that first."
I snorted. "Why would I even like him? He's not even my type."
The shrug she gave me was nonchalant but a smirk was on her lips. "Just thought you don't talk about guys that way unless there's something more."
Maybe I did think about it a little bit more.
How his smile brightens up a particularly bad day. How his presence makes me feel like I can handle anything. How just the sound of my name coming from him induces an exceptionally toothy grin. How I'm practically looking forward to the day because I'll see him.
It was like being pulled into a wave, really. Slowly, it sucks you in, little by little, until you have no control on where you're going. The wave swells, becoming bigger and higher. Then, without any warning, it drops you back down, harshly and almost painfully, and you're out of breath, from being underwater and being manipulated.
It takes you awhile to recover because emotions are jumbling together: disbelief, incredulity, exhilaration, annoyance, fear.
I didn't ask for it. I never do. Especially with someone with such close proximity. And with a face like that.
The stakes are too high, the risks too huge. Why would I even want to have a problem like that?
But then, you don't choose when and to who this happens.
No, you simply don't have the power over attraction. Or, God forbid, love. It just doesn't work that way.
So how do you face such a situation?
I honestly don't have the faintest idea. But I've been trying to do it one freaking step at a time.
But it claws at me every time, at the way he easily gives attention while I feel like I'm practically begging to be noticed.
He does at times. When I forget to take care of myself, forget to eat like a normal person because there's so much duties to handle. When everything is suddenly too much to handle and I can't breathe.
And maybe it kills me that he acts this way, like I actually matter. Because somewhere along the way, the wind will suddenly change and leave me wondering if it was just my fleeting imagination.
I find myself in a nearby park, my feet automatically taking me there in dire need of space and air. I walk over to a bench, thankful that the place isn't so crowded at a time like this.
Sitting down, I lean back, shut my eyes, and breathe in deeply. I try to dispel that ache sitting on my chest, like it's just some bad feeling from eating way over your limit.
I've always thought I'm overreacting when it comes to him. I had no right whatsoever. What were we other than good friends? And besides, he never displayed any signs of feeling the same way. My mistake was thinking I have a chance.
The sunlight flickers out for a moment from my closed eyelids, then I sense another presence. I look up just as someone sat beside me. And nearly scamper away when I see who it is.
He's shooting me that smile. "Emo again, huh?"
My eyes narrow as I try to calm my suddenly racing heart. "What are you doing here?"
His shoulders lift in a halfhearted shrug. "Nothing, really. Saw you walk out a way and you didn't look too good."
Of course. You only notice me when I'm not feeling well or in a good mood. I let my head loll back, shutting my eyes again. "Go back. I need to be alone."
"No. Not until you're okay and we go back together."
That earns my ire and I glare at him. He still has that goddamn smile. "Why are you even bothering?"
If it's possible, his smile becomes wider, and just a little annoying.
"C'mon." He gets up on his feet, and holds out a hand. "The day isn't done yet."
I stare at his hand, then back at him. Maybe I'll keep on wondering why, why things happen, why it has to be me.
But maybe one day too, I'll just stop questioning things.
Until that day comes, maybe I'll just ride this wave until it dies down, while hoping for the best. Whatever that is.
I slap away his hand just as I stand up. "Thanks for the reminder."
And I walk on, knowing he'll just be following right behind me.
It's been awhile. I'm out of practice. OTL